Here’s Hoping

Today was rather melancholy. It consisted mainly of solitude: sad, weepy solitude, and pensiveness. Like Dumbledore. Oh, forget it.

I spent the day not doing a lot: woke up late, watched some Rich Bride Poor Bride. Cool fact! The episode I watched was of a wedding held at the same venue as my cousins’ wedding! I was there people! I had no idea it was a Canadian show but maybe that entire channel is Canadian and I am just oblivious. I emptied the dishwasher and vacuumed the front hall (Jasper is shedding like mad) and sprayed that poor puppy’s hotspots with some menthol spray that I actually don’t mind the smell of. Updated my iPod and set up my hard drive, whose name is Lacie.

Then I commenced what is possibly one of the saddest things I have ever done. I started cleaning and unpacking my desk/plastic sets of drawers, which of course were full of letters and notes and memories. There was music playing in the background and every song had a meaning for me, every song had a memory. I was getting overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my bedroom, my home, my family to start a brand new life, bringing only certain items with me. I started of course also getting hysterical, wondering about my future, what to bring, what to leave behind, what to throw out, did I do high school right, am I a bad friend, will I make the right sort of friends next year?????? All that funky jazz. It was exhausting to say the least, and I was in and out of periods of weepiness.

I spoke with my best friend Omar a couple times throughout the day, and he was feeling much the same way, not wanting to uproot himself once again after already making two big moves in his life: once from India and another time from Cairo. We were both upset.

I set up a new printer today that my mom got me; it also prints pictures (not well) and functions as a scanner, yippee! It’s white and cute. I am still trying to think of its name, so let me know if you have any ideas. We had dinner, chicken a la king but instead of chicken it was tilapia a la king. It was absolutely delicious.

After dinner, me and my mother had a breakdown together, she more than I this time. She’s really upset that I’m leaving.

I went to pick up Omar, and we came back to my house and (among other things) checked out apps for his phone, drank, and watched Planet Earth with my mom and sister.

All in all, it was a day. I gathered many necessary items together and put them in our spare room, so it gives me some sort of feeling of accomplishment. Which is actually nice, because I am constantly feeling like I’m forgetting something important. Here’s a little pic of my collection thus far: (!!!)

Photo 76

Anyways. I had a mostly good day. Here’s hoping that tomorow will be less stressful, and I’ll be gtd. Once again, I must continue working on my 101/1001 list, because I need it to be ready for when I leave. G’day folks!

xoxo S.

Shopping Day One

As on What Not To Wear (one of my all time fave shows..!) we have broken down my back to school shopping into days. It will probably take around three days, just like the show, so isn’t that spectacular! :) Today began around 10:30 AM for me. I woke up, had strawberries and orange juice, and a chocolate instant breakfast, how terrible. Here’s what I accomplished today:

  1. Drove to the Ministry of Health Office to change my OHIP information (basically to put a glorified note on my file, saying that I’ll be out of province). Unfortunately, apparently everyone needs to get something relating to health cards/OHIP changed every single day, so it is always busy there. At peak hours, you have about an hour wait time. So I took a number and got out of there.
  2. Walked over to the photography store where they have a printing kiosk. I printed fifteen pictures of my friends, family and I to put up in my room. Yay!
  3. Drove to the bank, applied for my very first credit card (!) and notified the bank I’ll be operating out of Montreal for the next four years (or the majority of them). The lady helping me out with my credit card was just that, very helpful. I am really excited to get it in the mail, and start using that baby!
  4. Drove back to the Health office, waited for about ten minutes, was out of there quite quickly.
  5. Drove over to HMV, spent quite a while there debating the various deals..can anyone that works at HMV tell you guys purposely only put a couple good movies in each price point so that nobody can really find a good deal of two good movies? I’d have one movie I’d want that was a 2/20, and one that was a 2/25. It was terrible! The selection within the price points was so stressful. Eventually I just gave up trying. I bought the Michael Jackson Number Ones and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I was pleased and I had seven dollars on a gift card which was a pleasant surprise. Yay!
  6. Drove to Laura’s, had a snack of some peach juice, chips and grapes, said hi to her mom, we headed out for our favourite bookstore. I had a $40 credit note, for selling some books to him, and got quite a few books for that 40. I got my own copy of The Glass Castle, The Poisonwood Bible, Against the Day, Eats Shoots and Leaves and The World Without Us.
  7. Drove back, borrowed two of Laura’s movies to attempt to burn via Handbrake (sex in the City and She’s The Man
  8. Came home, tried to work on my 101/1001 list
  9. Mom came home, we decided not to go to Ikea tonight.
  10. Went to Costco instead, buying (among other things) cashews, popcorn, hot chocolate, yoga pants, razor blades.
  11. Went home, had sashimi and avocado on crackers as a snack, got changed
  12. Went to Zellers for toiletries, bought (among other things) shampoo, conditioner, body wash, a loofah, a blush brush, exfoliant, polysporin, bandaids, bobby pins, toothpaste, blah blah blah. Got a lovely and unexpected call from my dearest Mike, who is living currently just outside of Timmins. Working as a nature guide. For children. We talked for a couple minutes before I had to go. I had just written him a letter yesterday and mailed in (along with my lease) this morning. So it felt like I had just spoken with him.
  13. Went to Paradiso restaurant for dinner. I had a gift voucher I won in a raffle for two entrees, under $20. I didn’t realize we would be, but we were hardpressed to find an entree under 20. It is expensive there! We each had a glass of sangria and split a cheesy bruschetta with pesto. I had chevre-stuffed ravioli with crab meat and a cream sauce, and Mom had a Moroccan chicken supreme with roasted potatoes and wilted spinach. Both were excellent. Then we had the trio of creme brulees..a lemon, a lime and an orange. Orange was not the greatest but I really enjoyed the lime. Also for this meal we were literally right across from the kitchen and could see everything that was going on, which was pretty cool. We talked about me going to school, the fundraiser my mom is helping to plan, our family, my friends, everything really. It was very nice.
  14. Came home and took Jasper for a quick walk, which he seemed to really enjoy.
  15. Came upstairs, turned on the computer..there was some weird battery glitch, my power bar must have turned off while we were out because my computer was dead. Ah well..

So that was the day. Remarkably productive. I also managed to squeeze in booking a doctor’s appointment as well without being put on hold. Wonderful! Now if only I had as much to do tomorrow. I don’t, but almost. Which is good. I like to be kept busy. Now I’m going to go keep working on my 101/1001 list, which I plan to start the day I leave for University. New chapter of my life, new goals.

xoxo S.

Closing Time

I’ve been thinking a lot about how things are about to change drastically in my life. I used to dream about this moment: glass of wine in my hand, typing on my very own laptop, preparing to start the grand adventure that is my life at university. But somehow, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Not at all. I didn’t think it would be so stressful, so melancholy or so hurtful, to realize that so many different segments of my life are ending, and that my relationships with those I love most are never going to be the same. Ever. I was shelving books yesterday and I realized two things painful: one, I would have to give up my beloved job, and two, I saw a book called ‘Friday Night Dinners’ and realized that never again will I have the kind of relationship with my mom where I’ll come home on a Friday and have dinner with her. I always loved Fridays and even though I almost always went out, I almost always wanted to stay in. Which got me to thinking about how sad I am that I feel like I’ve gone and wasted my youthful years with my family. I haven’t spent as much time with them as I should, I know that. I haven’t always been in the best mood or made the right decisions regarding them. I haven’t been the best friend I could be, or best person, or best sister or daughter or granddaughter. I do try. But life is hard, I’ve found, and I’m still trying desperately to get the hang of it. Conflicting priorities, extenuating circumstances, emotions and hormones all lead me to choices that while not wrong, are not always quite right either.

I realize, obviously, that there is always room for improvement. Of course. And I try to self-assess as much as possible and fix issues outstanding. It’s hard to please everyone, I’ve learned that much. And when it comes down to it, you have to figure out who it is that is most important that you please. I catch myself in bad moods, saying I can’t help feeling how I do. And while that is true, to a point, I can always try harder. My best friend word-vomited that ugly truth last night via text: ‘Ask yourself. Is it really worth it.’  He clearly knows me better than I do, and I can admit that he’s right. It’s not worth it to be in a stupid mood. I can try harder. I don’t have to always be like that. Going forward into life, I need people who will love me no matter what, but also be willing to help me change for the better. I am open to change for the better.

Also in this hullaballoo of stress is entangled many administrative choices. Doctor’s appointments, hair dresser’s, banking information, setting up a credit card, choosing a new phone, finding the best software for my computer, sending in legal documents and forms, signing leases, health card information, going shopping for my dorm room (still exciting, even among the stressful things). There is not only so MUCH to do, there is so little time to do it in, while desperately trying to fit in time with the family, friends, doggie. :)

And all at the same time, I have to stress about my future. Choosing the right courses to be able to enter the program I want, thinking about frosh and how to choose the one that will best represent me, thinking (although much too far in advance) about jobs for the summer, housing for next year and semesters abroad. And all at once, trying not to get overwhelmed and stick to my guns. Making sure I am still representing the person inside of me. Making sure that when I get to school, I am prepared to show the world my true colours, be ready and open to new ideas and people, and making sure I make decisions that truly reflect who I am. Which includes even little things like the phone I choose.

To the outside observer, you might think that I am stressing too much. I know I am. I am overthinking (my tragic flaw, unfortunately), stressing, analyzing, deconstructing. I have so much to do that I am not doing it. Not planning my time so I can spend time with the people I’m going to miss most. I have to try and conquer that.

Over the next couple weeks, I am going to experience some strange things. This will be the last time I sleep in my bed without being somewhat of a stranger. It won’t be my house. My interactions with my family from here on in will be completely different. Soon, I’ll have to be grown up, supporting myself, cooking for myself, working for myself. I am so thankful that I have supportive parents, willing to help me in any way that they can on my journey. I love them to pieces.

As I begin to say goodbye to my current life, I begin to slowly and incrementally get excited for my new one. New address, friends, international contact, amazing people and city. One step closer to my dreams. I couldn’t be happier. Or more terrified.

Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin’ To F With.

Well let's just say jail terrifies me and I hopefully will never be there. But if I were:

Macbook Pro With Internet
First off, I love my computer. But secondly, a notorious blog from jail? That stuff will get you on Oprah, which is my dream.

Infinte Jest
If I’m in prison for a year, I might as well conquer that book. Heaven knows, I probably would never have a better opportunity to immerse myself in it.

A Duvet
I can’t sleep without a heavy duvet. Even in summer. I need the weight on me to feel cozy.